Posted by: Andy | June 16, 2010

The Bear Neccessities : Guess Poohs Coming to Dinner

Yogis Go-Kart needed some work.

Living in a relatively small town often means very slow news days. This is being proved in the last few days with headlines warning people of bear appearances in the suburbs of Bedford / Halifax.  Who told Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and BP Oil that they could all take the same day off?

So someone sees a bear on the side of the road and all of a sudden the Chronicle Herald (the last of the old school news rags standing) turns into TMZ.  Normally bears are relegated to the local wildlife park where they sit on their ass all day, occasionally scratching it and wondering what the fat kid in the Max & Ruby t-shirt would take like dipped in Honey Mustard sauce.

So when one is seen outside its natural habitat – this town goes bear-shit crazy.

Not only them, but the radio is issuing non-stop warnings to suburbanites about being beware of bears who may pose possible danger to their children, pets and pic-a-nic baskets. Worst of all, multiple calls reporting numerous bear sighting probably boils to one confused bruin with a broken GPS just making the rounds. I suspect the mass hysteria on Wisteria Lane has resulted in the local video stores only copy of Grizzly Man being rented out tonight for research purposes.  Frankly you would do better signing out a Winnie the Pooh video from the library.

Now even though coming across a bear in your backyard is a “serious encounter of you being dead kind”, the sage advice via Goverment hand-out being offered to burb dwellers reads like a 1 page Coles Notes for Dealing with Bears for Idiots – the Obvious edition.

Here are but a few highlights from Mensa.

Don’t leave food outside that may tempt the bear to visit your backyard – So don’t leave that freshly baked apple pie out on the window sill to cool down. Also do not bathe your cats in that bacon scented flea powder. Nor should you leave your children outside unattended in their wading pool filled with rich, delicious honey.

Do not approach the bear(s) –  Also we don’t advise letting wild bears operate heavy machinery or joining you afternoon book club. Wild Bears will only try to sell you on their religion (Scientology!) or even worse make you sit down and watch Oprah while you scratch their tummy. I think if you decide to approach a wild bear then you pretty much deserve to be considered a big Darwin meat stick on Yogis take out menu.

Bears should be given lots of room – So don’t force a committed relationship on them.

The current pamphlet that is being dropped off to all the hysteric cul de sac livin’ citizens in the current war zone note that the following are items that could lure bears into their “space”.

Green carts: I’m actually surprised since I would have figured the raccoons would have taken care of anything edible in a green bin at this point. They’re like the Sopranos of compostables.

Garbage containers: Seriously – I will be the first to admit that nobody composts 100%. Bears can smell food up to 1km away. So if you wiped your greasy jowls after a big bucket of KFC with an entire roll of paper towel (yeah, you’re a class act) and tossed it in a Glad garbage bag? Yup that mauling is all on you.

Garden compost: Little known fact – some Bears prefer the vegetarian life-style – don’t judge them ass-hole. It’s a sad, sad day when you imagine a fresh bag of weed is a… Never mind.

Bird feeders: Who are we kidding. The sunflower seeds are the appetizer. Drunk, binge riddled squirrels and birds who watch too much Jack-Ass are the main attraction.

Barbeques: Evidently bears would enjoy licking the caked on, char-broiled remnants of your Cost-co burgers directly off the grill. If it’s good enough for your in-laws – why not Winnie?

Pet Food Bowls. More importantly I would be more concerned with your pet.  What is a bear more likely to indulge in? A small bowl with left over kibbles and/or bits or a fat Chocolate Lab wearing a sweater?

So to recap  – if you want to be the George Clooney of the suburbs and create your own Perfect Storm for attracting  bears at your front door tie your sweaty, plump tabby which has been rolled liberally in hummingbird feeder food to your barbque on which you have recently grilled some delicious compost and position it inside a large circle of discarded, 10 day old garbage bags filled with honey. Bear-a-palooza will then commence in roughly 2.5 seconds.

It was nice knowing you.

Soon the bears with be gone. Caught. drugged, tagged and relocated – much like Lindsay Lohan to a much better place. Life in our small quiet town will go back to normal. That is until Kid Rock comes here for that Summer Concert.

I’m sure there will be a pamphlet on that too.


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